User blog:Dorkpool/Creepypasta Riffs: Slender Man Before He Was Famous
Ok, I'm going to do a Riff on a bad Slender Man pasta, so I need to make sure I have everything I need to survive it. Let's see: video camera? Check. Shaky hands? Check. A badass future version of myself? Hm. Hey, Dorkpool 2099, you around? "Shock yeah, I am! Now I'm going to go fly around on a ship powered by guns!" Check. Guns? Check. An effeminate looking mask? Well, I got my Dorkpool mask, which is basically a Deadpool mask with glasses, so that'll have to do. Sort of check. Well, I think I'm ready to do a Riff. But, let's talk a bit about it. We here on the Creepypasta Wiki probably know the origins of Slender Man: a character created in 2009 for a contest on the SomethingAwful forums that eventually became popular, and inspired numerous memes, web series, games, and a stabbing. OR IS THAT REALLY THE ORIGIN? Well, this pasta I'm Riffing begs to differ. But before I begin, let me check in with my badass future self. Hey, Dorkpool 2099, can you prevent Slender Man from fucking up my Riff? "I'm flying around on a vehicle propelled by guns. I'm sure I can protect you from the star of quite a few tentacle hentais." Thanks, future me! Now, I'm going to comment on the title of the pasta, "Slender Man Before He Was Famous." Because according to this title, Slender Man was a hipster. bUlLsHiT. Ugh. Damn it. Slender Man is fucking with the Riff already. Can't you wait until I start the actual story? sOrRy. Thank you. Anyway, let's begin. Slender man all of you know him as the faceless terror that stalks children and takes then leaving their families wondering who did this. The families also say that they have a very particular set of skills, and they will find whoever took their kids, and they will kill them. Many people say that his roots go back deep into Germany's lore but what most of you didn't know is that his history also comes from Mexico where my family originated. Viva La Slendy! Some of you my think I'm full of it Yes, I do but your wrong this isn't some story a random guy made to have you readers think huh this could be true. The fact that you’re saying that makes me believe you even less. No this is a real legend I know thats an oxymoron, You seem like an oxymoron, but minus the oxy but bare with me “Bare with you?” No! I shall keep my clothes on! I asked around my local town when I went to Mexico for a vaction with the family. Ah, yes, I love vactions with the family. Long story short they reported something that will chill your bones. The Bone-Chiller 3000? Alright short intro sorry but we have to start let's begin. Do we have to? yEs. Slender Man, I swear to god...Dorkpool 2099, how are you doing? "A bunch of guys called the Collective are attacking me! No, you bastards, I will not be assimilated! Resistance is not futile!" Um, future me, I think that's the wrong Collective...Oh, whatever. His Origins and Possible Name? i WaS bItTeN bY a RaDiOaCtIvE tEnTaClE hEnTaI. Now it began with a story my cousin told me yes I know huge cliche, I kind of like this writer. He knows he’s full of crap, but is trying desperately to convince otherwise. It would be adorable if it weren’t so stupid but bare with me. No! I went over this already! I am not going to bare anything! He told me one night we were coming back from picking him and his brother up from their other grandma's house. The story is of a tall man that would be seen near the corn fields walking in a suit and a top hat that takes children. That guy doesn’t realize that it’s girls who go crazy for a sharp dressed man, not kids. Also, most girls don’t hang out near corn fields. aNd I dOn'T wEaR a HaT. Now thats not what got me what really chilled me was he had no face and had six to eight long black arms two though are white like if he wore gloves. Your cousin watches too much hentai. They called him El Catrin which means the man Actually, it doesn’t. In Spanish, “El Hombre” means “the man.” El Catrin is supposed to mean “dude.” So basically we’re supposed to be scared of Mexican Keanu Reeves according to this guy. anyways while we were on the road back to town they passed a blanket and told to cover are selves. To inform you there aren't very many rules in Mexico Rules of Mexico: Don’t fuck with the gangs. Try not to get kidnapped. Americans will hate you if you cross the border. so we were riding in the back of my uncle's pick up truck. So he said put this on quick so we did he lit his watch up and looked at it and it was midnight. After hours later we were given an okay so I asked him why we did that and he said four words that made me shiver they were I just told you. Why is that supposed to be scary? Is it the whole “Slender Man makes you forget” thing? Because it doesn’t quite work like that. Also, it could be that your uncle has bad memory. aCtUaLlY i ReMeMbEr ThAt. I fElT lIkE tRoLlInG rAnDoM pEoPlE. Slendy, you always do that. i KnOw. It'S gReAt. Okay so now that I got that out of the way time to tell you why it is considered his origins oh and sorry about all this pausing and informing. Oh, it’s fine. I don’t mind. It just gives me more to make fun of. Slender is known all around the world that has internet so Mexico included this must make you think he heard about it and made his own slender story. No, I’m thinking, “Gee, this guy needs to learn to use quotation marks.” But no I heard this tale in 2007 two years before Slender Man's birth I have to give credit where credit is due: Slender Man was, in fact, created in 2009. That being said, why didn’t you add this information to the “original mythos” aNd I'vE bEeN aRoUnD lOnGeR tHaN 2009. I'm CeNtUrIeS oLd. Old fart. dO yOu WaNt To DiE? ...let's get back to the Riff. so a couple years later I'm fourteen now and this is present time. LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAAAAIN! We went to Mexico recently and I've heard about Slender Man and I have a picture of him to show people. Going around I asked many locals if at night they've seen a figure that resembles him. All I asked said yes they have seen a ghastly well suited man with no face that patrols the fields. Slender Man: greatest corn field body guard ever. dAmN sTrAiGhT. One family even said they lost a child that wondered out of their truck following the familie's large german sheperd. This happened when their car had broken down near a field. The next day he was found strung from a tree with the dog dead later found in a corn field not to far from the kid. The Dude strikes again! i DiD nOt Do ThAt. I wAs ToO bUsY sCrEwInG wItH tEeNaGeRs WhO uSe CaMeRaS tOo MuCh. I can't belive I forgot all about this I barely became a member a couple months ago and barely remembered it today hope this gives you something to think about. Well, I’m thinking that this is stupid. So you have given me something to think about. Good job. You get a gold star, and an invitation to a writing class. Ok, Slender Man, the Riff is done, can you go now? I'm Not HeRe JuSt To ScReW wItH yOuR rIfF. i HaVe CoMe To DeLiVeR a WaRnInG. I should prepare my anus? zOrAx Is CoMiNg. Oh, crap, am I getting dragged into a story arc? Slendy? Great, right when I need him around, he disappears. Lovely. Future me, is the Collective still around? "No, they just disappeared." Of course they did. Well, folks, I guess this is the beginning of story arc. What do you all think? Is it a good idea? A bad idea? Do you wish Slender Man took me with him? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Category:Blog posts